Ladies...LISTEN UP! When you are dating online, and a guy lists his height at 5'8"...HE IS LYING. I am actually starting to believe that no man in America is actually 5'8" tall!
If they are listing this as their height online.....LOOK OUT.....there is a 99.9% chance that they are 5'5" or shorter!
Nothing like the visual land mine EXPLODING in your face when you open the door for the first time and you realize that.....you need to go change your shoes.
The Tongue Sucker
Posted by
Katie Rose
en
I'm tentatively making my way back into the dating scene. It's a scary place, so I'm venturing out on the online dating market to get my feet wet and give myself a way to "filter" a little better then the bar scene.....or so I thought.
Not too long after opening my Plenty of Fish account I got an email...and email that would change my life forever! I started talking with a guy who lived in my town but worked out of state during the week. We immediately hit it off...BIG TIME. First phone conversation lasted 4 hours! The rest of the week went the same way. We would talk 6-8 hours into the night-EASILY!
So after a marathon week of phone conversations, he flew home to take me out. I was SO excited! I picked him up at the airport and we went to his favorite restaurant. I was impressed though that everyone knew him from the hostess to the waitstaff, to the bartenders and even the owner came over and spoke with him. He even had his own "regular" table.
Dinner went very well and the conversation flowed easily. The restaurant was turning into a night club though, so we decided to relocate the conversation somewhere else, that didn't include a DJ and strobe lights. So we hopped into his car and started driving around looking for a place to chat. We ended up just parking outside of this downtown park.
So I'm getting invested in this conversation and feeling really good about the direction it's headed. When all of a sudden this cat is apparently overcome with desire and comes at me full force! Now keep in mind, we are in a two-door Mercedes sports car....and there is very...VERY little make out room in this car.
So when he decides to make his move, he manages to pin down my whole left side of my body and goes in for more of a face smash than a kiss. At this point I'm pretty much a victim of this kiss, because he is literally pressed so hard against my lips that I can not even participate in this kiss! So I'm sitting there, pinned down, eyes wide open, waiting for him to make some sort of movement so I can get involved here.
Eventually, after the longest 60 seconds of my life, he lets me up for air. I was pretty stoked that was able to move onto a "normal" kissing approach.....for all of 15 seconds before he actually starts .......to suck on my tongue!
So I'm a little taken back because obviously tongue sucking is not exactly "appropriate" first date kissing approach. After my initial assessment of this technique, I am once again pre-occupied with the fact that he is not switching up from this uncomfortable position. I start having this internal argument that this guy MUST know he can't hold on this one position for so long and certainly he's going to switch it up soon?!?!?
Soon.......RIGHT? AT this point, I am really starting to get uncomfortable because he is literally -HOOVERING- my- face! I'm talking Dyson quality suction and it's seriously hurting. It's completely blowing my mind that this dude is completely unaware of the level of pain he is causing me. I don't see any change in site, so I put my hand on his chest (with the one arm that is not pinned down.), and start to shove him off of me when all of a sudden...................POP!
I immediately shove this dude off of me and grab my mouth. I now feel a searing HOT pain and recognize the familiar metallic taste of blood filling my mouth, as my tongue is clearly swelling. I'm crying and mumbling Oh My God!
This guy was actually hoovering my mouth so hard that the ligament that is connected underneath my tongue (frenulum) literally snapped OFF! Ok, so right now as your imagining exactly what that would feel like, it hurt.......WORSE!
I finally push through the pain to tell this jackass exactly what happened. He actually had the NERVE to swear he wasn't even sucking on my tongue! "Um...well the evidence would indicate otherwise!"
I decline his offer to go to the hospital and decide to stop at the gas station right next door to get a cup of ice chips. So while I'm inside getting ice(which he graciously did not go get for me)it happens that an EMT truck pulls into the gas station. So tongue sucker goes over and explains the whole story to the EMT guys. I walk out with my cup-o-ice only to have a stranger snapping on blue latex gloves, telling me to lay down on the hood of the car! I think the loss of blood to my head was making me loopy, so I proceed to receive a medical examination on the hood of a Mercedes...in a BP parking lot!
Diagnosis: torn frenulum...don't eat solids for 1 week!
FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!
Mouth-o-blood....first date...FAIL
Not too long after opening my Plenty of Fish account I got an email...and email that would change my life forever! I started talking with a guy who lived in my town but worked out of state during the week. We immediately hit it off...BIG TIME. First phone conversation lasted 4 hours! The rest of the week went the same way. We would talk 6-8 hours into the night-EASILY!
So after a marathon week of phone conversations, he flew home to take me out. I was SO excited! I picked him up at the airport and we went to his favorite restaurant. I was impressed though that everyone knew him from the hostess to the waitstaff, to the bartenders and even the owner came over and spoke with him. He even had his own "regular" table.
Dinner went very well and the conversation flowed easily. The restaurant was turning into a night club though, so we decided to relocate the conversation somewhere else, that didn't include a DJ and strobe lights. So we hopped into his car and started driving around looking for a place to chat. We ended up just parking outside of this downtown park.
So I'm getting invested in this conversation and feeling really good about the direction it's headed. When all of a sudden this cat is apparently overcome with desire and comes at me full force! Now keep in mind, we are in a two-door Mercedes sports car....and there is very...VERY little make out room in this car.
So when he decides to make his move, he manages to pin down my whole left side of my body and goes in for more of a face smash than a kiss. At this point I'm pretty much a victim of this kiss, because he is literally pressed so hard against my lips that I can not even participate in this kiss! So I'm sitting there, pinned down, eyes wide open, waiting for him to make some sort of movement so I can get involved here.
Eventually, after the longest 60 seconds of my life, he lets me up for air. I was pretty stoked that was able to move onto a "normal" kissing approach.....for all of 15 seconds before he actually starts .......to suck on my tongue!
So I'm a little taken back because obviously tongue sucking is not exactly "appropriate" first date kissing approach. After my initial assessment of this technique, I am once again pre-occupied with the fact that he is not switching up from this uncomfortable position. I start having this internal argument that this guy MUST know he can't hold on this one position for so long and certainly he's going to switch it up soon?!?!?
Soon.......RIGHT? AT this point, I am really starting to get uncomfortable because he is literally -HOOVERING- my- face! I'm talking Dyson quality suction and it's seriously hurting. It's completely blowing my mind that this dude is completely unaware of the level of pain he is causing me. I don't see any change in site, so I put my hand on his chest (with the one arm that is not pinned down.), and start to shove him off of me when all of a sudden...................POP!
I immediately shove this dude off of me and grab my mouth. I now feel a searing HOT pain and recognize the familiar metallic taste of blood filling my mouth, as my tongue is clearly swelling. I'm crying and mumbling Oh My God!
This guy was actually hoovering my mouth so hard that the ligament that is connected underneath my tongue (frenulum) literally snapped OFF! Ok, so right now as your imagining exactly what that would feel like, it hurt.......WORSE!
I finally push through the pain to tell this jackass exactly what happened. He actually had the NERVE to swear he wasn't even sucking on my tongue! "Um...well the evidence would indicate otherwise!"
I decline his offer to go to the hospital and decide to stop at the gas station right next door to get a cup of ice chips. So while I'm inside getting ice(which he graciously did not go get for me)it happens that an EMT truck pulls into the gas station. So tongue sucker goes over and explains the whole story to the EMT guys. I walk out with my cup-o-ice only to have a stranger snapping on blue latex gloves, telling me to lay down on the hood of the car! I think the loss of blood to my head was making me loopy, so I proceed to receive a medical examination on the hood of a Mercedes...in a BP parking lot!
Diagnosis: torn frenulum...don't eat solids for 1 week!
FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!
Mouth-o-blood....first date...FAIL
The Costa Rican Cutie
Posted by
Katie Rose
en
So I'm watching Couples Retreat today and in one of the final scenes, John Favaro's character makes up with his wife, played by Kristen Davis. Anyway, I notice that as the camera is doing that sexy-spin-around the kissing-couple-until-you-wanna-puke move...that Favaro looks like his mouth is grossly salivating every where but Kristen's lips! It was disappointing to say the least. What's this have to do with my dating life? It painfully reminded me of my Costa Rican Cutie.
I met the Costa Rican Cutie online about 8 months ago. This boy was beautiful...I mean Bee-A-uti-FUL!!!
He had the most incredible smile, dimples and his accent.........whoa. So after a few short weeks of talking and a couple pleasant dates, he impresses me with spontaneity. This is definitely something I find attractive in a man. So after a VERY late night at the office, he takes me for a surprise pancake dinner at 1am (I LOVE pancakes....which won additional points for paying attention!)
Dinner was super fun and I was crushing big time at this point. He was just so cute and funny and easy to talk to and of course he had that "X" factor too! So it was time to say good night and I was a little nervous cuz we were definitely at the first kiss point. There was some major chemistry between the two of us, so I was pretty confident it was going to be good times!
We get to the car and sure enough....he moves in for the kiss. At first it was soft and sweet. "Church Kiss" as defined by Drew Barrymore in Wedding Singer. Suddenly our moment of passion got strange. He put his hands on each side of my face and began licking me! He licked my cheeks, he licked my upper lips, he licked my chin....wet, sloppy, full-tongued licks as if this was the hottest move any man has made on a woman in the history of making-out!
I made several attempts to re-direct him towards my mouth, but he was completely focused on the licking. I have NO IDEA what pleasure was getting out this experience, or if he actually thought I enjoyed having all of my make-up removed via saliva.
So here I am, standing in an IHOP parking lot at 2am with my face in a death-grip by a man who is licking me like a dog! I seriously questioned if I was having an out-of-body experience and at some point began praying that I actually was!
Once I finally pried his hands loose from my face, excused myself due to the late hour and began the confusing drive home, I reflected on how such a handsome, intelligent, exotic man could be so misguided! I literally had to wipe my face down....I was actually glistening from all of the saliva!
Moral of the date: I don't enjoy a taste of the exotic!
I met the Costa Rican Cutie online about 8 months ago. This boy was beautiful...I mean Bee-A-uti-FUL!!!
He had the most incredible smile, dimples and his accent.........whoa. So after a few short weeks of talking and a couple pleasant dates, he impresses me with spontaneity. This is definitely something I find attractive in a man. So after a VERY late night at the office, he takes me for a surprise pancake dinner at 1am (I LOVE pancakes....which won additional points for paying attention!)
Dinner was super fun and I was crushing big time at this point. He was just so cute and funny and easy to talk to and of course he had that "X" factor too! So it was time to say good night and I was a little nervous cuz we were definitely at the first kiss point. There was some major chemistry between the two of us, so I was pretty confident it was going to be good times!
We get to the car and sure enough....he moves in for the kiss. At first it was soft and sweet. "Church Kiss" as defined by Drew Barrymore in Wedding Singer. Suddenly our moment of passion got strange. He put his hands on each side of my face and began licking me! He licked my cheeks, he licked my upper lips, he licked my chin....wet, sloppy, full-tongued licks as if this was the hottest move any man has made on a woman in the history of making-out!
I made several attempts to re-direct him towards my mouth, but he was completely focused on the licking. I have NO IDEA what pleasure was getting out this experience, or if he actually thought I enjoyed having all of my make-up removed via saliva.
So here I am, standing in an IHOP parking lot at 2am with my face in a death-grip by a man who is licking me like a dog! I seriously questioned if I was having an out-of-body experience and at some point began praying that I actually was!
Once I finally pried his hands loose from my face, excused myself due to the late hour and began the confusing drive home, I reflected on how such a handsome, intelligent, exotic man could be so misguided! I literally had to wipe my face down....I was actually glistening from all of the saliva!
Moral of the date: I don't enjoy a taste of the exotic!
Facebook Flashback
Posted by
Katie Rose
en
So today I get a Facebook friend request and I don't immediately recognize the name, but it looks slightly familiar. After wracking my brain, I realize this "friend" is a blast from my past circa 2006. Unfortunately, facebook doesn't have a "night mare date" request, or this guy would fall under it! How he even remembered my name is beyond me to begin with.
I met "facebook friend" on a conservative online dating site (of course). We had a lot in common it seemed. Specifically he was a devoted entrepreneur and I myself extremely passionate about growing and developing my own business. So we started things off pretty chill, with a little lunch date. I was new to the online dating game, so I kept it simple. Lunch went pretty well and we spent the next few days talking on the phone.
We talked mostly about our companies, I was kind've having a difficult time understanding the concept behind his business, which I thought was a little weird. So for our 2nd date he invited me come meet with some of his business partners and colleagues. They were having a meeting and a guest speaker to learn about advertising and marketing concepts. I was game. I usually try to attend these types of learning opportunities within my own industry and I figured I might pick up a concept or two to apply to my own business.
So I put on my cute business attire, grab my portfolio and pen and get ready to learn. Facebook Friend introduces me to his colleagues who were all very warm and interested in my own business. They also seemed pretty hyped about their guest speaker. It was a small group of about 20, so I was thoroughly introduced to everyone before we got started.
Facebook Friend picked our seats on the 2nd row, but right in the middle with about 4 people on either side of us. I settled in and got ready to take notes. Twelve minutes into the guest speaker I realized I was at an Amway meeting! That's right...2nd date and this genius thought recruiting me to join Amway would warm me up!
Unfortunately, I was trapped! I'm sitting front and center in the room and there was no way to escape without crawling over a row of people. For some reason I had church syndrome and felt paralyzed to stay seated and not disrupt the preacher. I actually sat there for 3and a half HOURS!!!!
So seeing as how the last time I talked to facebook friend, I was chewing him out for tricking me into an Amway meeting, I'm not sure why he thinks I want to be his friend now! Maybe he has a new MLM scheme he thinks I might be interested in this time.
Moral of the date: don't mix business with pleasure on a 2nd date and be thankful for the IGNORE button!
I met "facebook friend" on a conservative online dating site (of course). We had a lot in common it seemed. Specifically he was a devoted entrepreneur and I myself extremely passionate about growing and developing my own business. So we started things off pretty chill, with a little lunch date. I was new to the online dating game, so I kept it simple. Lunch went pretty well and we spent the next few days talking on the phone.
We talked mostly about our companies, I was kind've having a difficult time understanding the concept behind his business, which I thought was a little weird. So for our 2nd date he invited me come meet with some of his business partners and colleagues. They were having a meeting and a guest speaker to learn about advertising and marketing concepts. I was game. I usually try to attend these types of learning opportunities within my own industry and I figured I might pick up a concept or two to apply to my own business.
So I put on my cute business attire, grab my portfolio and pen and get ready to learn. Facebook Friend introduces me to his colleagues who were all very warm and interested in my own business. They also seemed pretty hyped about their guest speaker. It was a small group of about 20, so I was thoroughly introduced to everyone before we got started.
Facebook Friend picked our seats on the 2nd row, but right in the middle with about 4 people on either side of us. I settled in and got ready to take notes. Twelve minutes into the guest speaker I realized I was at an Amway meeting! That's right...2nd date and this genius thought recruiting me to join Amway would warm me up!
Unfortunately, I was trapped! I'm sitting front and center in the room and there was no way to escape without crawling over a row of people. For some reason I had church syndrome and felt paralyzed to stay seated and not disrupt the preacher. I actually sat there for 3and a half HOURS!!!!
So seeing as how the last time I talked to facebook friend, I was chewing him out for tricking me into an Amway meeting, I'm not sure why he thinks I want to be his friend now! Maybe he has a new MLM scheme he thinks I might be interested in this time.
Moral of the date: don't mix business with pleasure on a 2nd date and be thankful for the IGNORE button!
The Drive Thru Ditcher
Posted by
Katie Rose
en
So a recent sequence of events have demanded that I start my blog back into circulation. I have decided to take on a challenge of 30 dates in 3 months and document the experiences.
So far....it's pretty unbelievable.
I went out with "DTD" about 2 weeks ago to Cheesecake Factory.We met online and found out that his pictures were not exactly accurate representation. We didn't have any chemistry...he seemed pretty serious and non responsive to my playyful, sarcastic nature...boo.
I gave him the polite turn down explanation over the phone the next day that he was a great guy but I wasn't feeling a connection. He proceeded to pursue me over the next two weeks and asking for another chance/date.
So last night, after another request for a date, I informed him that I was driving into LA to drop off some flowers and asked if he wanted to ride along. He eagerly accepted and I picked him at a neutral location.
We made it about 20 minutes into our trip when I stopped off to pick up some food in a drive thru. So far...everything seemed fine...conversation was a little slow, but we caught up on our work life, talked about my birthday weekend adventures, discussed my flower side-work etc ....As I'm pulling up to the speaker to order my food, he says "hey, I'm gonna run in to the bathroom really quick before we get on the road". I told him I would pull around to the door to pick him up.
I get my order, pull around and start to eat. After about 10 minutes of waiting, I start to wonder if this guy's gonna make it. 40 minutes later some gangsta rode up on a bike, went into the bathroom, then came right out. So I open my window and asked him if anybody was in the bathroom when he was in there...he said "NO...why?"......"you're fucking kidding me, right?"
I run inside the restaurant....ask some other guy to go in and look, He opens the door....looks around and...NOPE! I actually got DITCHED BY A DATE IN DRIVE-THRU!!!
I start calling and texting this dude, hoping that by some luck he got picked up by INS and is being shipped across the border at that very moment, hopefully in some very small, non-air conditioned shipping container. I got no response from the texts and the 2 rings then voicemail, which lets you know he was declining my call.
So finally I leave a message....what are you fucking 12?!?!?!? I tell you I'm not feeling it to begin with, so what's the big deal with saying your not down with hanging out...I'll drop you off at your car. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL!!! I've been told guys don't like confrontation, but this has to be the most ridiculous act of avoidance I have ever heard.
Someone please explain to me how I attract these types of guys!
So far....it's pretty unbelievable.
I went out with "DTD" about 2 weeks ago to Cheesecake Factory.We met online and found out that his pictures were not exactly accurate representation. We didn't have any chemistry...he seemed pretty serious and non responsive to my playyful, sarcastic nature...boo.
I gave him the polite turn down explanation over the phone the next day that he was a great guy but I wasn't feeling a connection. He proceeded to pursue me over the next two weeks and asking for another chance/date.
So last night, after another request for a date, I informed him that I was driving into LA to drop off some flowers and asked if he wanted to ride along. He eagerly accepted and I picked him at a neutral location.
We made it about 20 minutes into our trip when I stopped off to pick up some food in a drive thru. So far...everything seemed fine...conversation was a little slow, but we caught up on our work life, talked about my birthday weekend adventures, discussed my flower side-work etc ....As I'm pulling up to the speaker to order my food, he says "hey, I'm gonna run in to the bathroom really quick before we get on the road". I told him I would pull around to the door to pick him up.
I get my order, pull around and start to eat. After about 10 minutes of waiting, I start to wonder if this guy's gonna make it. 40 minutes later some gangsta rode up on a bike, went into the bathroom, then came right out. So I open my window and asked him if anybody was in the bathroom when he was in there...he said "NO...why?"......"you're fucking kidding me, right?"
I run inside the restaurant....ask some other guy to go in and look, He opens the door....looks around and...NOPE! I actually got DITCHED BY A DATE IN DRIVE-THRU!!!
I start calling and texting this dude, hoping that by some luck he got picked up by INS and is being shipped across the border at that very moment, hopefully in some very small, non-air conditioned shipping container. I got no response from the texts and the 2 rings then voicemail, which lets you know he was declining my call.
So finally I leave a message....what are you fucking 12?!?!?!? I tell you I'm not feeling it to begin with, so what's the big deal with saying your not down with hanging out...I'll drop you off at your car. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL!!! I've been told guys don't like confrontation, but this has to be the most ridiculous act of avoidance I have ever heard.
Someone please explain to me how I attract these types of guys!
It All Started with a Roll of Quarters..
Posted by
Katie Rose
en
Dating is hard.....sometimes humorous and strange, occasionally fun, but mostly, hard.
Several people have asked me what was the motivation behind my dating blog, so I thought I would set the stage for the original dating disaster story. I had been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years, so I had no idea how much the dating scene had changed...how much guys had changed...how much I had changed..... but I'm finding this all out now....and it all started with a little change!
After the dissolution of my relationship, I was ready. I was undergoing some intense personal therapy and my cousin was a huge help, providing a listening ear around the clock. But after journal therapy and verbal therapy.... I was ready for some alcohol therapy! So me and the cuz were off to the bar to throw down.
It was such an amazing night. The drinks were perfect, the live music was amazing and dance floor was packed! All of the girls were having a great time together. That's when I met this really cute preppy guy. I realized that we were all at the point of inebreation that it was really just a matter of willingness, not so much compatibility...and I was down.
So we headed back to my place for a long over-due heavy petting session. Like a typical guy, he goes straight in for the kill and "whips IT out". I attempted to get my eyes to adjust to the dark, but quickly realized that the roll of quarters I thought I saw....was unfortunately....IT! Mentally I'm asking myself, "what the HELL am I supposed to do with THAT?" I mean, I've heard of being a grower, not a shower, but this was RIDICULOUS. I seriously have tubes of lip gloss that are bigger that this thing. I decide to take the approach that if I ignore it....it will go away! So I re-direct my attention to our make-out session and attempt to pull out some magic moves that would be of interest.
So the making out got a little hot, and apparently this guy thought it was a good time to ask me,
"Do you like to be slapped?"
I responded....
"I'm assuming you mean on my ass.....RIGHT?"
"No baby....WHACK!.....in your face"
"WHAT?!?!?....are you SERIOUS right now?"
WHACK!....Yeah baby.....I know you like that don't you...WHACK!!!
With shocking speed and agility, this guy manages to throw me over his knee, pull my pants down and proceed to SPANK me....like a child!!!! I am so stunned at the last 20 seconds that I start laughing histerically and manage to wriggle off his lap and back into my pants.
"Yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh....ummmmmm.....I don't think this is going to work out, let me show you the DOOR!"
Several people have asked me what was the motivation behind my dating blog, so I thought I would set the stage for the original dating disaster story. I had been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years, so I had no idea how much the dating scene had changed...how much guys had changed...how much I had changed..... but I'm finding this all out now....and it all started with a little change!
After the dissolution of my relationship, I was ready. I was undergoing some intense personal therapy and my cousin was a huge help, providing a listening ear around the clock. But after journal therapy and verbal therapy.... I was ready for some alcohol therapy! So me and the cuz were off to the bar to throw down.
It was such an amazing night. The drinks were perfect, the live music was amazing and dance floor was packed! All of the girls were having a great time together. That's when I met this really cute preppy guy. I realized that we were all at the point of inebreation that it was really just a matter of willingness, not so much compatibility...and I was down.
So we headed back to my place for a long over-due heavy petting session. Like a typical guy, he goes straight in for the kill and "whips IT out". I attempted to get my eyes to adjust to the dark, but quickly realized that the roll of quarters I thought I saw....was unfortunately....IT! Mentally I'm asking myself, "what the HELL am I supposed to do with THAT?" I mean, I've heard of being a grower, not a shower, but this was RIDICULOUS. I seriously have tubes of lip gloss that are bigger that this thing. I decide to take the approach that if I ignore it....it will go away! So I re-direct my attention to our make-out session and attempt to pull out some magic moves that would be of interest.
So the making out got a little hot, and apparently this guy thought it was a good time to ask me,
"Do you like to be slapped?"
I responded....
"I'm assuming you mean on my ass.....RIGHT?"
"No baby....WHACK!.....in your face"
"WHAT?!?!?....are you SERIOUS right now?"
WHACK!....Yeah baby.....I know you like that don't you...WHACK!!!
With shocking speed and agility, this guy manages to throw me over his knee, pull my pants down and proceed to SPANK me....like a child!!!! I am so stunned at the last 20 seconds that I start laughing histerically and manage to wriggle off his lap and back into my pants.
"Yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh....ummmmmm.....I don't think this is going to work out, let me show you the DOOR!"
Not Really Even Sure What to Say about This....
Posted by
Katie Rose
en
OMG....this is hilarious. I'm not sure if I'm appalled or wishing that every man would watch this commercial. Didn't know that shaving required instructions...but it's fucking hysterical none the less! I love the part where he moisturizes....
ENJOY
ENJOY
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