Ladies...LISTEN UP! When you are dating online, and a guy lists his height at 5'8"...HE IS LYING. I am actually starting to believe that no man in America is actually 5'8" tall!
If they are listing this as their height online.....LOOK OUT.....there is a 99.9% chance that they are 5'5" or shorter!
Nothing like the visual land mine EXPLODING in your face when you open the door for the first time and you realize that.....you need to go change your shoes.
The Tongue Sucker
Posted by
Katie Rose
en
I'm tentatively making my way back into the dating scene. It's a scary place, so I'm venturing out on the online dating market to get my feet wet and give myself a way to "filter" a little better then the bar scene.....or so I thought.
Not too long after opening my Plenty of Fish account I got an email...and email that would change my life forever! I started talking with a guy who lived in my town but worked out of state during the week. We immediately hit it off...BIG TIME. First phone conversation lasted 4 hours! The rest of the week went the same way. We would talk 6-8 hours into the night-EASILY!
So after a marathon week of phone conversations, he flew home to take me out. I was SO excited! I picked him up at the airport and we went to his favorite restaurant. I was impressed though that everyone knew him from the hostess to the waitstaff, to the bartenders and even the owner came over and spoke with him. He even had his own "regular" table.
Dinner went very well and the conversation flowed easily. The restaurant was turning into a night club though, so we decided to relocate the conversation somewhere else, that didn't include a DJ and strobe lights. So we hopped into his car and started driving around looking for a place to chat. We ended up just parking outside of this downtown park.
So I'm getting invested in this conversation and feeling really good about the direction it's headed. When all of a sudden this cat is apparently overcome with desire and comes at me full force! Now keep in mind, we are in a two-door Mercedes sports car....and there is very...VERY little make out room in this car.
So when he decides to make his move, he manages to pin down my whole left side of my body and goes in for more of a face smash than a kiss. At this point I'm pretty much a victim of this kiss, because he is literally pressed so hard against my lips that I can not even participate in this kiss! So I'm sitting there, pinned down, eyes wide open, waiting for him to make some sort of movement so I can get involved here.
Eventually, after the longest 60 seconds of my life, he lets me up for air. I was pretty stoked that was able to move onto a "normal" kissing approach.....for all of 15 seconds before he actually starts .......to suck on my tongue!
So I'm a little taken back because obviously tongue sucking is not exactly "appropriate" first date kissing approach. After my initial assessment of this technique, I am once again pre-occupied with the fact that he is not switching up from this uncomfortable position. I start having this internal argument that this guy MUST know he can't hold on this one position for so long and certainly he's going to switch it up soon?!?!?
Soon.......RIGHT? AT this point, I am really starting to get uncomfortable because he is literally -HOOVERING- my- face! I'm talking Dyson quality suction and it's seriously hurting. It's completely blowing my mind that this dude is completely unaware of the level of pain he is causing me. I don't see any change in site, so I put my hand on his chest (with the one arm that is not pinned down.), and start to shove him off of me when all of a sudden...................POP!
I immediately shove this dude off of me and grab my mouth. I now feel a searing HOT pain and recognize the familiar metallic taste of blood filling my mouth, as my tongue is clearly swelling. I'm crying and mumbling Oh My God!
This guy was actually hoovering my mouth so hard that the ligament that is connected underneath my tongue (frenulum) literally snapped OFF! Ok, so right now as your imagining exactly what that would feel like, it hurt.......WORSE!
I finally push through the pain to tell this jackass exactly what happened. He actually had the NERVE to swear he wasn't even sucking on my tongue! "Um...well the evidence would indicate otherwise!"
I decline his offer to go to the hospital and decide to stop at the gas station right next door to get a cup of ice chips. So while I'm inside getting ice(which he graciously did not go get for me)it happens that an EMT truck pulls into the gas station. So tongue sucker goes over and explains the whole story to the EMT guys. I walk out with my cup-o-ice only to have a stranger snapping on blue latex gloves, telling me to lay down on the hood of the car! I think the loss of blood to my head was making me loopy, so I proceed to receive a medical examination on the hood of a Mercedes...in a BP parking lot!
Diagnosis: torn frenulum...don't eat solids for 1 week!
FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!
Mouth-o-blood....first date...FAIL
Not too long after opening my Plenty of Fish account I got an email...and email that would change my life forever! I started talking with a guy who lived in my town but worked out of state during the week. We immediately hit it off...BIG TIME. First phone conversation lasted 4 hours! The rest of the week went the same way. We would talk 6-8 hours into the night-EASILY!
So after a marathon week of phone conversations, he flew home to take me out. I was SO excited! I picked him up at the airport and we went to his favorite restaurant. I was impressed though that everyone knew him from the hostess to the waitstaff, to the bartenders and even the owner came over and spoke with him. He even had his own "regular" table.
Dinner went very well and the conversation flowed easily. The restaurant was turning into a night club though, so we decided to relocate the conversation somewhere else, that didn't include a DJ and strobe lights. So we hopped into his car and started driving around looking for a place to chat. We ended up just parking outside of this downtown park.
So I'm getting invested in this conversation and feeling really good about the direction it's headed. When all of a sudden this cat is apparently overcome with desire and comes at me full force! Now keep in mind, we are in a two-door Mercedes sports car....and there is very...VERY little make out room in this car.
So when he decides to make his move, he manages to pin down my whole left side of my body and goes in for more of a face smash than a kiss. At this point I'm pretty much a victim of this kiss, because he is literally pressed so hard against my lips that I can not even participate in this kiss! So I'm sitting there, pinned down, eyes wide open, waiting for him to make some sort of movement so I can get involved here.
Eventually, after the longest 60 seconds of my life, he lets me up for air. I was pretty stoked that was able to move onto a "normal" kissing approach.....for all of 15 seconds before he actually starts .......to suck on my tongue!
So I'm a little taken back because obviously tongue sucking is not exactly "appropriate" first date kissing approach. After my initial assessment of this technique, I am once again pre-occupied with the fact that he is not switching up from this uncomfortable position. I start having this internal argument that this guy MUST know he can't hold on this one position for so long and certainly he's going to switch it up soon?!?!?
Soon.......RIGHT? AT this point, I am really starting to get uncomfortable because he is literally -HOOVERING- my- face! I'm talking Dyson quality suction and it's seriously hurting. It's completely blowing my mind that this dude is completely unaware of the level of pain he is causing me. I don't see any change in site, so I put my hand on his chest (with the one arm that is not pinned down.), and start to shove him off of me when all of a sudden...................POP!
I immediately shove this dude off of me and grab my mouth. I now feel a searing HOT pain and recognize the familiar metallic taste of blood filling my mouth, as my tongue is clearly swelling. I'm crying and mumbling Oh My God!
This guy was actually hoovering my mouth so hard that the ligament that is connected underneath my tongue (frenulum) literally snapped OFF! Ok, so right now as your imagining exactly what that would feel like, it hurt.......WORSE!
I finally push through the pain to tell this jackass exactly what happened. He actually had the NERVE to swear he wasn't even sucking on my tongue! "Um...well the evidence would indicate otherwise!"
I decline his offer to go to the hospital and decide to stop at the gas station right next door to get a cup of ice chips. So while I'm inside getting ice(which he graciously did not go get for me)it happens that an EMT truck pulls into the gas station. So tongue sucker goes over and explains the whole story to the EMT guys. I walk out with my cup-o-ice only to have a stranger snapping on blue latex gloves, telling me to lay down on the hood of the car! I think the loss of blood to my head was making me loopy, so I proceed to receive a medical examination on the hood of a Mercedes...in a BP parking lot!
Diagnosis: torn frenulum...don't eat solids for 1 week!
FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!
Mouth-o-blood....first date...FAIL
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