It All Started with a Roll of Quarters..

Dating is hard.....sometimes humorous and strange, occasionally fun, but mostly, hard.



Several people have asked me what was the motivation behind my dating blog, so I thought I would set the stage for the original dating disaster story. I had been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years, so I had no idea how much the dating scene had changed...how much guys had changed...how much I had changed..... but I'm finding this all out now....and it all started with a little change!




After the dissolution of my relationship, I was ready. I was undergoing some intense personal therapy and my cousin was a huge help, providing a listening ear around the clock. But after journal therapy and verbal therapy.... I was ready for some alcohol therapy! So me and the cuz were off to the bar to throw down.



It was such an amazing night. The drinks were perfect, the live music was amazing and dance floor was packed! All of the girls were having a great time together. That's when I met this really cute preppy guy. I realized that we were all at the point of inebreation that it was really just a matter of willingness, not so much compatibility...and I was down.





So we headed back to my place for a long over-due heavy petting session. Like a typical guy, he goes straight in for the kill and "whips IT out". I attempted to get my eyes to adjust to the dark, but quickly realized that the roll of quarters I thought I saw....was unfortunately....IT! Mentally I'm asking myself, "what the HELL am I supposed to do with THAT?" I mean, I've heard of being a grower, not a shower, but this was RIDICULOUS. I seriously have tubes of lip gloss that are bigger that this thing. I decide to take the approach that if I ignore it....it will go away! So I re-direct my attention to our make-out session and attempt to pull out some magic moves that would be of interest.



So the making out got a little hot, and apparently this guy thought it was a good time to ask me,


"Do you like to be slapped?"


I responded....


"I'm assuming you mean on my ass.....RIGHT?"


"No baby....WHACK!.....in your face"


"WHAT?!?!?....are you SERIOUS right now?"


WHACK!....Yeah baby.....I know you like that don't you...WHACK!!!





With shocking speed and agility, this guy manages to throw me over his knee, pull my pants down and proceed to SPANK me....like a child!!!! I am so stunned at the last 20 seconds that I start laughing histerically and manage to wriggle off his lap and back into my pants.





"Yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh....ummmmmm.....I don't think this is going to work out, let me show you the DOOR!"

Not Really Even Sure What to Say about This....

OMG....this is hilarious. I'm not sure if I'm appalled or wishing that every man would watch this commercial. Didn't know that shaving required instructions...but it's fucking hysterical none the less! I love the part where he moisturizes....
ENJOY

Role Model

So I may ACTUALLY be disowned after tonight. Let me set up the back story.....EXTREMELY religious upbringing...think Amish.... with Zippers. Parents get divorced after 18 years of preaching divorce is an abomination to God. Parents spend rest of life trying to "be cool" and make up to their kids...all while secretly maintain a very strict Southern Baptist viewpoint on life.
Flashforward to modern day....so I'm chillin at the crib with my mom and aunt (their house). We decide to rent a movie on Pay-Per-View. So we're scrollin, scrollin, scrollin.....I've seen pretty much every movie out because I don't have cable and only get three static ridden channels-two of which are in Spanish. I'm in the mood for something funny and I tell my mom all about Tropic Thunder and what a riot it was, but I don't recommend it to her because of all the foul language which I KNOW she would be bothered by. We decide to move on to something more "appropriate"

So we get to Role Models and I start cracking up. We watch the preview and I'm dying.

"This movie is hilarious, I'm totally going to buy it". All I can remember is thinking that the end was really sweet and I laughed a ton watching it the first time. "Let's rent it"

About 30 seconds into the movie.....it all floods back to me. The cursing, the blatant in-your-face sexual references and breast shots.....all funny ass stuff.....and completely APPALLING to watch with my mother. The whole time I'm thinking to myself, "wonderful...you've told your mom what a great movie this is and now she thinks you are a complete HEDONIST with NO moral character at all!"

For 2 hours and 15 minutes I died a slow death inside as I heard the words "fuck, pussy, cum, dick and cock" more times than the red-light district on pay day!


The climax of it all was when Sean William Scott advised Paul Rudd to fuck the big girls because they "do more kinky stuff"........there is NO WAY that my mother did not wonder for at least one split second if her full figured daughter DID do more kinky stuff. Oh-My-God....kill me now.

In the beginning....

So here I am at midnight on a Monday night wondering exactly how you start a Blog? It’s after the overwhelming insistence of my friends to spread the shear insanity that is my life that I am attempting to document the details.

After ending an almost five-year relationship, I have entered into the treacherous world of dating.

I choose the word "treacherous" very specifically. It's not entirely uncommon for my dates to involve anaphylactic shock, a mouth full of blood, sex with a priest and a wide variety of unbelievable episodes. So grab your wine and settle in for the wild ride that is my life! Happy reading : )